How to Apologize
Why are you here?
You're probably here for one of three reasons:
You are sick and tired of being sick and tired of people not knowing or not trying to hold themselves accountable, or
You may have genuinely stumbled upon this website looking to better refine how you apologize to others, or
Someone sent you this website because you committed one of the cardinal sins of apologetics.
Either way, let's get down to business...
What is an apology anyway?
The definition of apology:
a·pol·o·gy
/əˈpäləjē/
noun
A regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.
"we owe you an apology"
An apology may also be referred to as an expression of regret, a beg-pardon, or an amende honorable. Apologies are a way individuals, groups, entities, businesses, or organizations can acknowledge wrong-doing and ask for amends.
Based on this definition, it would seem that apologizing is a very simple thing to do, but unfortunately, many do it incorrectly. Which, oftentimes, can be worse than not apologizing at all. The truth is, apologies can be very simple, but require a handful of components and steps in order for them to be executed successfully.
As a general rule, an apology should match the intensity of the indiscretion that occurred. Be mindful that apologies are not a "one size fits all" approach. However, there are steps you can take and a general framework that can be worked from when it comes to effectively saying sorry to someone.
The Goal of an Apology
"An apology without change is just manipulation." -Sierra Monae
The overall goal of an apology should be for the betterment of the hurt individual, not the person giving the apology.
Non-Apology Apologies
What NOT to do when asking for forgiveness
The following examples include common ways in which people incorrectly apologize. These quotes may have several variations and ways in which they're delivered, but the most frequent instances were chosen.
With each sample, a short synopsis with associated categories will be provided as a way to dissect why each approach is not conducive to asking for forgiveness.
Depending on the circumstances and how the non-apology is said, it could encompass one or several of the below tags. Meaning, from a high level, some of these tags can be considered static, but with the right context, they become dynamic and intersect more heavily.
Note that this not an exhaustive list.
Non-Apology Tags
Avoidance- When one avoids conflict or the act of apologizing for the sake of preserving themselves and not having to address the issue. Most, if not all non-apologies are a form of avoidance.
Cold Shoulder- A type of manipulation where one refuses to talk about something and uses silence or avoidance to bypass the problem.
Denial- Insisting that the problem doesn't exist or downplaying the problem. (May be genuine or not.) Depending on delivery, severity, and intent, this can translate into gaslighting.
Topic-switching- Changing the subject as a means to not address the problem.
Using contingencies- Any way that someone formulates an apology with conditions so that they don't have to hold themselves accountable and can justify their own behaviors.
Coercive Control- Any pattern of behavior an abusive or manipulative person uses to dominate or control someone else.
Blackmail- The act of forcing someone to do something by revealing a secret or making their life difficult if they don't comply.
Bullying- Aggressive behaviors that seek to humiliate, abuse, or harass another individual.
Intimidation- Forcing someone to do something by using threats, physical violence, or other forms of manipulation.
Gaslighting- A covert form of psychological abuse that causes the person at the receiving end of the behavior to question their own reality.
Appeal to empathy- Using manipulation to make someone else feel sorry for them.
False promises- Using an apology to promise a change in behavior with no intention to change.
Hyperbolization- Hyper-inflating someone else's actions or response to make them seem unhinged or unreliable.
Minimization- Minimizing the person's feelings and making them seem incredulous by having those feelings in the first place.
Moving goalposts- Making the resolution consistently out of reach by changing the objective or goal.
Projection- A psychological defense mechanism where people identify their emotions, beliefs, or traits and place them on someone else.
Blame-shifting- The act of attributing responsibility onto someone or something else, despite being the one responsible for the actions in question.
Entitlement- The belief that one is inherently deserving of something, especially pertaining to certain privileges or special treatment.
Guilt transference - When a person projects or redirects their feelings of guilt onto another person.
Victim blaming- When the onus is placed on a victim for what happened as opposed to the actual responsible party.
Whataboutism- A logical fallacy where one attempts to discredit someone else by charging hypocrisy without directly refuting or disproving the argument or statements made.
"I'm sorry, but"
Tags: Avoidance, blame-shifting, using contingencies
"I'm sorry, but" and its cousins are phrases we've all likely heard at some point in our lives.
Something about it is just... off, right? If someone is truly sorry for something, surely there wouldn't be a 'but.'
An apology with any contingency lacks both humility and accountability. That 'but' indicates that the person supposedly asking for forgiveness is trying to justify their behavior in some way. Adding 'but' transforms the apology into an excuse because it almost always introduces a form of criticism or a way to make the speaker feel better about what they've done.
In cases like these, the speaker is not actually sorry for what they've done, and are only using the framework of an apology as a vehicle to manipulate the recipient into forgiveness without having to do much of anything.
More examples of "I'm sorry, but"
The follow-up to the 'but' can and will always make the apology worse. There are endless combinations of predicates to the aforementioned conjunction, none of which are genuine attempts at making amends. Time and time again, a non-apology will contain components that place blame on the recipient or aim to establish ways in which the apology literally cannot happen due to the integration of impossible standards or superfluous deflection techniques. If the person apologizing uses substance abuse as an excuse, remember that their actions are a choice and substances can break down inhibitions, however, are typically not the source of bad behavior. Similarly, if they apologize and brand you as the reason for their anger know that, like blaming substance abuse, blaming you or their "anger" are nothing more than convenient scapegoats.
"I'm sorry, but you just made me so angry"
Tags: Avoidance, blame-shifting, coercive control, guilt transference, using contingencies, victim blaming
"I'm sorry, but I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing, you can't hold that against me"
Tags: Avoidance, blame-shifting, coercive control, denial, entitlement, guilt transference, projection, using contingencies
"I'm sorry, but no one is perfect" or "I'm sorry, but I'm only human"
Tags: Appeal to empathy, avoidance, blame-shifting, coercive control, denial, gaslighting, guilt transference, minimization, moving goalposts, projection, using contingencies
"I'm sorry, but you've made mistakes, too. What about when you..."
Tags: Appeal to empathy, avoidance, blame-shifting, coercive control, denial, entitlement, gaslighting, guilt transference, moving goalposts, projection, topic-switching, using contingencies, victim blaming, whataboutism
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
Tags: Avoidance, blame-shifting, denial, gaslighting, guilt transference, hyperbolization, minimization, projection, using contingencies
"I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I'm sorry if I offended you" are the second most popular way people tend to apologize right behind the "I'm sorry, but" train.
This tactic is used to place the onus on the person for having a reaction to bad behavior, rather than the person conveying the bad behavior taking responsibility for their actions.
"It's just a joke"
Tags: Avoidance, blame-shifting, gaslighting, guilt transference, minimization, projection
"Can't we just forgive and forget?"
Tags: Avoidance, entitlement, gaslighting, guilt transference, projection, minimization
"Forgive and forget" is a common saying people adopt to cope with mistakes they, or others, may have made. Expressions like this are a way to sweep the problem under the rug and pretend like it didn't happen, as opposed to confronting it and making it better.
Pending severity, "forgive and forget" can be incredibly damaging. By not tackling the root cause, the lack of apology and minimization is likely to result in resentment, confusion, a lack of self-trust, and a slew of other responses in the person who was wronged.
Opting to not apologize and feeling entitled to forgiveness without putting in any effort does not help a relationship.
"True forgiveness doesn't erase the wrongdoing, but rather frees the person who was hurt."
Asking someone to forget what happened impedes progress, stagnates growth, and encourages them to ignore the pain, as opposed to working through it.
"You're mad about THAT!?"
Tags: Avoidance, gaslighting, minimization
"You're mad about THAT!?" and all similar iterations of any response that acts as if the victimized party is acting incredulously are indicative of the offender attempting to minimize the problem. It serves as a way for them to distance themselves from what they've done and appear to be surprised that anyone would be upset by the behavior, therein trying to discredit and marginalize the person in need of an apology.
DARVO
Tags: Avoidance, blame-shifting, coercive control, denial, gaslighting, guilt transference, projection, victim blaming
DARVO is a very well-known tactic for abusers.
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. In this strategy, the perpetrator will assume the role of the victim and paints the true victim as the offender while undermining their credibility by spreading false accusations.
This is less of an apology and more of an abusive response where someone could or should apologize, but won't. Instead, the person in question presents themselves as the victim and portrays they are entitled to an apology instead.
Cancel Culture: Another type of DARVO
The concept of "Cancel Culture" is a rhetorical device to manipulate individuals or groups of people into thinking the abuser, harasser, or wrong-doer is just a victim of a broken system or subject to others "misunderstanding" them and their intentions. To which, usually by their own admission, givens them no other choice but to lash out. Typically, these very same people will use fear, uncertainty, and doubt to mask and shadow their transgressions, while projecting themselves as innocent, or, mostly innocent. They'll move goal posts, blame the actual victim, speak out against "wokeness", or just use the term as a form of "damage control" to minimize the social ramifications they could potentially face. In some cases, they may accept some blame, but will use a combination of tactics to appear more trustworthy and likable, therein casting a shadow over what they've done wrong.
More often than not, when some cries "Cancel Culture" they're making an attempt to dismiss the claims of ones they've wronged and influence or recruit those they can appeal to. This is generally used as a means to silence dissent and exert power.
Those that invoke "Cancel Culture" generally have not or will not hold themselves accountable, genuinely apologize, nor will they typically change their behaviors. In fact, the utterance of "Cancel Culture", in many circumstances, can be seen as a red flag and further incriminates them.
Ironically, the most common result of someone being "canceled" is either them being held accountable for their actions, but not receiving much punishment, or them receiving backlash about something they should be "punished" for, but aren't.
So what does a REAL apology look and sound like then?
For starters, obviously none of the above. examples. Apologies, like mentioned above in the "Goal of an Apology" section, should have the intention and impact of betterment for the hurt party. The person apologizing should not expect forgiveness and they should not be the ones to decide when "enough time has passed."
The ingredients to a sincere apology
To sincerely apologize, one must:
Acknowledge what they did was wrong
Explain what they did wrong
Hold themselves accountable and not shift blame
Immediately change their behaviors
Not create any contingencies within their apology
Accept the feelings of the person they've wronged
Express their regret and remorse
Actually say they're sorry
Optional - State how you plan to act in the future (But don't focus on that)
Optional - Ask for forgiveness (But don't expect it)
When should you apologize?
When you've done something wrong or hurt someone else, duh!
In terms of time, there is no hard and fast rule for when an apology should be delivered. Since every circumstance can be different, and the timing could be dependent on the severity of one's actions, it's hard to say exactly when someone should apologize. However, from a broad perspective, doing it as soon as possible, while considering the boundaries of the affected, is usually best. This isn't to say, "Bust down the door and rush to apologize!" It's more to outline the fact that one should consider how it might look if they wait too long to apologize, especially if what they did was particularly impactful to someone else. So, the idea is to frame the "when" around the severity and impact while measuring the response and willingness of the person that was wronged.
Needless to say, if the person you're apologizing to tells you to leave them alone, leave them alone. Don't overstep any boundaries, try to get a word in edgewise, or wear them down so you can feel better about what you've done. Again, the overall goal of an apology should be for the betterment of the hurt individual, not the person giving the apology.
(This page is under construction! Thank you for visiting!)